Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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