I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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