I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
