I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
