She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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