I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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