mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
