just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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