I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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