My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
