When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He passed out mid-signature
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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