Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
