I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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