Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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