In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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