Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
