i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
