when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
