i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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