I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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