What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
