Someone shit on the floor
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
