new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
