I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
