The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
