Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
