Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
