I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
