Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
