So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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