bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
