tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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