I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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