There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
