I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
