i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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