oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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