ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
