i was born a porn star she said
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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