I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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