I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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