Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
