If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
