I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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