I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
