we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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