he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
