somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
