I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
