my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
