I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
