dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
