your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
