we have pet lesbian snakes
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
