someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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